ST:TNG

So in between discs of Babylon 5 I've been watching random episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation. And I really want to like it. But I can't. It's just bad people. Not because I'm a Star Wars fan - I fully expect the upcoming Star Wars TV show will suck way worse. But that doesn't make ST:TNG good. My relationship with ST:TNG is . . . complex to say the least. Here's the scoop (going from memory, so I could have it wrong) - the first two seasons of TNG I was in Germany, attending colleage at the U of M, Munich campus. Somehow (I have no idea how I was working this) I was getting bootleg tapes of TNG. I'm pretty sure that I saw all of season 1 this way and some part of season 2. (My confused memories even claim some of these tapes were Betamax, and yes I did have a Betamax VCR while I was in college - long story.) I think I watched season 3 after returning to the States, during the Dark Year(tm) I lived in New Jersey. I was really upset by some cliffhanger or another - Data getting his emotion chip or some such. Anyway, I think once I went away to finish college at College Park I could no longer see TNG and so I gave up on it. I have this jumbled impression of A) Wesley Crusher - supa-genius!(tm) plus the B) belief that almost any problem could be solved by Geordie running some sort of experimental particle through the deflector dish. So fine. Now I'm older, my genre tastes are more mature, yadda yadda. So I've watched a half-dozen or so episodes from Spike TV or G4 repeats. And y'know - it's just BAD. They are bad, bad, bad sci-fi. I just watched an episode where Wesley's science project was studying medical nanites, but he fell asleep and they "escaped" and took over the Enterprise's computer. Because, y'see, Wesley being a supa-genius(tm) came up with the radical step of having two nanites . . . cooperate (gasp). This led to a complete defeat of the military computer running Starfleet's state-of-the-art flagship vessel - because nobody could anticipate rogue nanites who actually communicate in the future. Yes, the terrorists nanites took hundreds of people hostage, but it's all good because they are a new life-form and Prime Directive, blah, blah, blah (yawn), blah. It's bad sci-fi. It gives the genre a bad name. When people say "I don't like sci-fi" they really mean "I don't like shows where Geordie/Data/Wesley makes technobabble shit up in the last ten minutes of an episode and saves everyone". ST:TNG was popular because it aired in a drought period of no competing SF - not because it was good. Sanders' rules of picking out the ST:TNG bad episodes are as follows: 1) If it involves the holodeck, it sucks. The holodeck was always a literary cheat, a goofy deus ex machina that got way-the-fuck overused to justify whatever crazy plot point they wanted to tell. Plus - the only thing goofier than Kirk fighting Abraham Lincoln is to make a fake Abraham Lincoln and then have the computre go berserk and refuse to let people out. I wish that wasn't the description of a half-dozen or so ST:TNG eps, but sadly it is. 2) If anybody routes anything through the deflector dish, it sucks. 3) If anybody spouts anything that sounds scientific, but makes anybody who has read a science book in the last fifteen years grind their teeth in annoyance, it sucks. This will include tachyons, deuterium, nanites, or anything involving strange energies. 4) If it introduces new characters that we don't care about, then explains their dilmemna, then resolves their issues within one episode and we never see those characters again, it sucks. This is admittedly a literary complaint, not a sci-fi one but I feel it's still valid. These four rules cover every ST:TNG episode I've watched in the last month, and most of episodes are hit by two or more rules. It's bad science and it's bad fiction. There are moments of good acting (Patrick Stewart especially), and there are several characters that look hot in the silly uniforms. Everything else is just terrible. Are there any fans who read my blog who can actually refute any of these points?
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The Internal Critic

"Hey," the Internal Critic said, "don't cockblock me, man. I'll tell you when it's working and when it isn't."
WWdN: In Exile: Real Love / It's Only Life I've had a bit of a frustrating day, creatively - and the astute will notice I've missed a post for the impulsive Captain Arcolier. Tuesday was a holiday, and Karin was leaving town, and the cats hate fireworks, and blah, blah, blah. Point is I'm off-balance domestically and that means I don't work smoothly. I spentwasted a large chunk of the day surfing ye old Internets, and the only thing that got a real chuckle today was the Internal Critic saying "don't cockblock me, man." Anyone who has ever attempted anything creative has to appreciate that. Everyone knows I'm not the "hey let's have kids" guy, but this spoke to me. Not the having kids part but the whole sort of "recognize where you are, and recognize that you're there because that is where you wanted to be be you lucky son-of-a-bitch" thing, that resonates. Amen, brother Wheaton! I never really was a fan of Wil-Wheaton-the-actor*, but Wil-Wheaton-the-blogger is very insightful. One day I'll get around to reading his books and then give you an opinion of Wil-Wheaton-the-author. Remind me. *Not that I dislike him, just was never that into either Stand By Me or ST:TNG. (I wrote this in Flock, but it refused to post properly to my blog. I copied and pasted and fiddled and ultimately it would have been easier to write this in TextMate like normal. Frowny face, but that's not really the point now is it?)
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The Adventures of Captain Arcolier, Part Eight

(Welcome back. In our last installment One-Eye struggled to repair Assault Pod One while Sergeant Riker fought off Cantrellan foes. If you're new to our tale you'll want to start here.)      Captain Arcolier forced herself to sit still and kept her face impassive as she reviewed the situation. The engine pod had struck a fierce blow and the Beauteous Revenge had closed the gap while the Cantrellans focused on damage control. She could grapple the destroyer at this range and force a boarding action but the question at hand was whether it was worth the risk. There wasn't going to be much of value on a Naval ship and it would be a hard battle for little enough reward. The Cantrellans had been hit hard but the Revenge wasn't in top form right now either. Of course, she couldn't leave until she had rescued the First Marines and if they couldn't repair their Assault Pod she would have no choice but to attempt to take the destroyer. She studied the still glowing crater where the engine pod had exploded against the Cantrellan hull. "What do you think Stinky Pete? Can they take another hit without coming apart?"      "It doesn't look good," replied Stinky Pete. He nudged a control and a smaller screen pulsed brighter. A schematic rotated there, showing the Cantrellan's hull in translucent panels and interior structure picked out in blue wireframes. "The second powerplant looks to be dead center of the ship. It will take a pretty good bash to hit it, and I just can't say for certain whether the ship would break apart."      Captain Arcolier glanced at One-Eye's viewport, only recently back online. The shock waves from the antimatter explosion were dissipating and the reduced range had meant the control signals were able to punch through the interference. One-Eye was still a few minutes away from finishing the weld that would hopefully make the craft spaceworthy again. She nodded decisively. "We'll let them bring power back online then. If they do have a second tractor beam we should be able to slag the gunport before they do much to the pod." She clicked One-Eye's viewport as she continued speaking. "You hear that One-Eye? If they pull some other superweapon on us, I will personally hound you through all the planes of hell for not getting out quicker. I want to see that pod in the deep black soonest."      One-Eye nodded even as he paused the welding and spread sealant over another leg of the seam. "Aye, Captain. Believe me we're not staying because of the free drinks and willing women. As soon I think this bucket of bolts will only leak slowly I'll take her out for a spin."      "Energy readings are spiking, Cap'n," said Stinky Pete. "Looks like the backup plant is online." Even as he spoke the dim emergency lighting in One-Eye's viewport flickered and was replaced by a full-spectrum fluorescent glare.      "We'll soon find out how much fight the Cantrellans have left in them." Captain Arcolier drawled. "Port Battery, make sure you have a firing solution trained on that hole in the hull and be ready to fire on my mark. I'm hoping they aren't going to fight, but if they seem likely I want to hit them where it hurts." She clicked on Stinky Pete's schematic simulation which slid to the center of the screen, and studied the rotating wireframe. "Stinky Pete, give PB a best-estimate on what energy levels would cause a catastrophic loss of integrity. PB - be ready to fire either a full strength shot or a crippling shot that would stop just short of total breakup."      Stinky Pete saluted and then his hands flew over the console. Simulated fire from the Revenge began to stab at the spinning computer model, incrementally stronger until the hull shattered under the blow. "Mind you Cap'n, this is just a best guess simulation. I advise adding a safety margin for the weaker shot." He paused briefly, only to resume calculations at Jaimie's curt nod.      A communications icon blipped on the screen just as Stinky Pete finished his calculations. "Incoming message from the destroyer Cap'n. Shall I acknowledge?"      Captain Arcolier shook her head. "Not quite yet. We're trying to buy One-Eye as much time as possible." Wait two minutes and then put the call through. She clicked One-Eye's screen again. "Hear that? We're running out of time here One-Eye."      One-Eye shook his head, flinging zero-g droplets of sweat away from his forehead. "I know it Captain, almost done here." He turned to scan the rest of the crew. "Wilson, get everyone except for the combatants with Riker inside the Pod and strapped in. Once I finish we're going to leave in a hurry!" He turned to his final seam, his welder flashing closer to the incandescent line Michaels drew from the other side. "Michaels, as soon as we finish here I'll power the bird up. I need to you grab a couple of grenades and a satchel charge and take them to Sergeant Riker. We're going to need to close off that access for a moment while the last of us get aboard. Tell Riker I said to do whatever he feels necessary to keep them off our backs, and I don't really care if he ruins their decor in the process."      "Aye aye, sir." Michaels grinned triumphantly as the two plasma beams from their welders met. They held the fire for a second longer and then shut off the torches. One-Eye quickly scanned the weld and decided it would pass for spaceworthy under the circumstances. Around him the remaing Marines pounded into the lock. Williams passed by, carrying a wounded unconscious Marine and nodded at One-Eye.      "This is the last except for you, Michaels, Rodriguez, and Sergeant Riker. I'll have all the casualties strapped down by the time you have the engines hot, sir."      "Excellent." One-Eye straightened up and surveyed the bay. Michaels lumbered out of the pod's hatchway, encumbered by enough explosives to destroy a small continent. One-Eye bellowed in a loud command voice. "Grab whatever you can, because Marines - WE ARE LEAVING!" He quickly made his way inside the pod and began to power up the major systems. It took a couple of minutes to get everything online and just as the last of the engine sequence lights went green there was the loud CRUMP of major explosives from the mouth of the bay. Riker, Rodriguez, and Michaels all ran inside the pod, Riker slamming the door close signal with his palm as he moved past.      "First Marines, ready for departure sir!" barked Riker as he strapped his still-bloody sword to the wall. One-Eye throttled up and as Assault Pod One hovered he fired the small shipboard laser at the irised-shut portal that cut the pod off from the vacuum and the Beauteous Revenge.
(Tune in next week to see if One-Eye can burn through the hatch and if the Cantrellans have any fight left in them!)
(See the next installment!)
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Happy happy gamer

My "new" (read "refurbished") Xbox 360 arrived today. Happy, happy, joy, joy. I have yet to stress it with a large GRAW co-op game, but it read my much-abused Oblivion disc quite happily. For those scoring the home game I had no 360 for 8 days - not too bad for warranty service.
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