The Adventures of Captain Arcolier, Part Five

(Welcome back. In our last installment Captain Arcolier had set out to rescue One-Eye and the First Marines, who were facing a Cantrellan trap. If you're new to our tale you'll want to start here.)      This was always the moment where One-Eye felt the most incongruous. Seconds ago he had been piloting a spacecraft through the inky interstellar void, traveling incomprehensible distances using mankind's most advanced technology. Now he stood watching a torch cut through the main hatch, clutching a sword straight out of some penny-dreadful novel from the Victorian era of Old Earth. Oh he knew all the arguments, that modern weaponry could all-too-easily pierce a hull and vent the atmosphere but it didn't make the transition any less jarring. Besides, there were plenty of things more high-tech than swords that could be used, all sorts of non-lethal crowd suppression gear. For that matter, the Cantrellans could simply gas the pod, either with knockout gas or with something far more lethal. No, the pirates used swords because it made for good theater. One-Eye never quite understand why the Cantrellans did, not truly. Some sort of misguided sense of culture and of chivalry. In his darker moments he theorized it was exact same reason as the pirates - simple theater. He shook his head, clearing it of this useless reverie as the intense torch flame closed the rough circle it traced. He glanced over at Sergeant Riker, a roguish grin crossing his features. "Reckon it's time to show these laddies the depth of their mistake? Attempting to fight against the Beauteous Revenge? That's just foolishness."

     Riker nodded grimly, drawing his sword upwards in a rough salute. "Aye sir, they'll learn soon enough." Without taking his eyes from the hatch he barked orders at the rest of the Marines. "You heard him you lazy roustabouts! Today we earn our pay, and tomorrow these sons of mangy dogs will respect the name of the First Marines of the Beauteous Revenge. We'll be outnumbered and it's a long while before the cavalry gets here, so fight hard and fight dirty."

     "We're outnumbered and on our own. So this must be Tuesday again." came a waggish reply from the massed crew. Riker grinned a reply as the thick piece of hull finally broke free. Riker nodded again, this time eying a Marine who stood just to one side of the hatch. He slammed on the free-floating piece of hull with a halberd and strained, his feet thrust through tough fabric loops on the floor. In freefall the hatch floated away from the pod. If they were very lucky and the Cantrellans were very stupid somebody might get caught on the still red-hot glowing edges. The Marines listened carefully but were rewarded with no curses or screams. The Cantrellans weren't that stupid, and instead a fine spray of cooling gases and flame retardants hit the rough-carved edges of the hull. Steam billowed from the sullen cherry cuts and the entire hole disappeared into a white cloud for a brief moment.

     An amplified voice carried through the hissing steam. "By the authority of Her Majesty, the Empress of Cantrella you are all under arrest. Lay down your arms and step out of the craft with your hands up! Failure to comply will result in the usage of force!"

     "Oh, it's to be force is it? In that case I'd think we want to stay armed, wouldn't we?" One-Eye darted a quick glance at Riker and a miniscule nod. Like synchronized clockwork both men launched off the deck and sailed through the ugly hole. One-Eye quickly evaluated the edge and decided it had cooled enough to touch briefly and hooked the edge with a steel-toed boot as he went through. It was a quick motion but it pulled him to the left and altered his trajectory just enough to surprise the Cantrellan soldier standing hard outside the white hazy cloud. He twisted at the waist and brought his boots close enough to the decking for his boot magnets to latch down. The last of his momentum was used to spit the young soldier in the thigh with his sword. The soldier, no older than William back on the deck of the Revenge went down, his face suddenly ashen. But he was a non-combatant, and he would live. One-Eye had no patience for the type of officer who would send a boy that green to face battle. He heard Riker's battle cry from the other side of the fog and the rejoining cry from the other Marines as they began to boil through the small opening as fast as possible.

(Tune in next week to see if One-Eye can fight off the Cantrellan assault!)
(See the next installment!)
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Fünftens von Mai

Sky One is remaking The Prisoner starring Christopher Eccleston (who is currently playing Doctor Who on Sci-Fi, or played him LAST year if you leave on the eastern side of the pond.) I'm torn. On the one hand I think remakes are almost always a bad idea. On the other hand, I'll admit Eccleston is a great choice for Number Six. Which reminds me, has anybody compared an episode of Doctor Who on Sci-Fi to the BBC original version? I understand they are making edits to allow for commercials, but I'm hearing some rumors that the edits are significant. I guess the big question is if I should either crank up ye' old BitTorrent or simply wait until July and watch the DVD version. In particular there is a recurring theme of the symbol "Bad Wolf" showing which is relevant at the end of the season and it's getting edited out of several episodes in the Sci-Fi version. And I'll also note that I'm not watching tonight's episode until next week. I believe it is the first of a two-parter. David Louis Edelman has a great writeup of what Empire Strikes Back means to to a certain demographic. Worth reading. Did everyone who wants to try out the Loco Roco demo for PSP? If you need explanations on how to download it (or the controls) drop me a line and I'll give some pointers. Basically it's a Japanese demo but it runs on any PSP with the 2.70 firmware. I have to give it a firm "eh" myself. First off, the Japanese music must go. It's "claw out your own eardrums J-Pop happy". Second of it's kind of neat but I find some jumps in it to be very frustrating. My problem is that you can tilt the world but you have no real feeling for how close you are to the extent (you can't spin the world around 360 degrees, and there's no artificial horizon that shows how close you are to the limits.) Seriously though, if it comes out in the US with that music? I seriously don't think I could stand it. Everyone have a good weekend!
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Quattro de Mayo!

I imagine most everyone has seen this, but somebody at Lucas Films figured out we'd want the original Star Wars films. Who knew? So this fall you can buy each film in a 2 DVD set for only $30. The sets include both versions of the film and will look so nice right next to that copy of the "Special Edition" version that we all bought last year. (sigh) Still, better now than never. I'm not sure I feel a burning need for the original version of Empire and Jedi - I'll have to review what they changed. My favorite part is this though:
This new set of DVDs does not constitute "George changing his mind," Lucasfilm's Jim Ward told USA Today.
Because we all know that George has had one single vision throughout the process and has never changed his mind. Right? Right. So now that we're a month into the web serial I'm curious to hear what people think about the pacing and frequency. At the moment the deal is I post around one thousand words a week and I'm trying to get an old pulp-style cliffhanger at the end of each chunk. Are they too long? Too short? Is once a week too slow, too fast? What do people think? Has everyone quit reading it because of the whole Sgt. Riker name discussion? Let me know.
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Free Associating

Chris Roberson writes a sentiment that had occurred to me although he writes it with far more eloquence than I would have. To wit: "Just how the hell is one third of 2006 already gone?!" On that note I noted with great glee yesterday that no magazines with a 2005 cover date remain in my magazines-to-be-read holder. And as of this morning I have no more than three issues of any given title to read. I will triumph over the to be read pile. I will, because I must. Today's magazine was the Jan 2006 issue of Locus which focused on Canadian Sci-Fi. There was an interview with Dave Duncan, who I've never read but I quite enjoyed the interview. My favorite bit was this:
As for anyone who doesn't believe in evolution, ask them how they got there -- because they probably came in a car, driven on gasoline, which comes from oil. I was an oil geologist, and I know that they couldn't have found that oil without using stratigraphy, which is based on index fossils, which require evolution. So they shouldn't drive cars if they don't believe in evolution, right? If God created everything all at once, then God was lying. (emphasis in original)
In other media consumption, I accidentally forgot to put a Babylon 5 disc at the top of my Netflix queue so I got Lost in La Mancha instead. Has everyone else seen this already? It's a bit slow to start but it's interesting viewing. Looks like it would have been a great film as well, had it been made. The part that really caught my attention is about an hour in. They've had a disastrous first week of production, a flash flood, unexpectedly heavy jet traffic overhead, and to top it off the star has fallen ill and can't ride a horse. The head staff regroup on the weekend and the producers have a solution, because that is what producers do - solve things. The producers want to fire the first assistant director. Not that he did anything wrong you understand, just that it's traditional to fire the 1st AD if shooting goes poorly. WTF? How does something that insane become industry practice? (There's more producer-based comedy scattered throughout, mainly of the "We're on hold, so do work, but don't spend any money" variety.) The second WTF moment is at the conclusion. The final outcome is that the insurance company now owns the film and Terry Gilliam will need to buy it back from them if he attempts to make the film. Isn't that fabulous? After all, who is a better caretaker for a creative concept than an insurance firm?
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The Adventures of Captain Arcolier, Part Four

(Welcome back. In our last installment Captain Arcolier had discovered that the supposed civilian frigate was actually a disguised Cantrellan destroyer. She attempted evasive action just as a false bulkhead broke off and was hurtled right at the Beauteous Revenge. If you're new to our tale you'll want to start here.)      Captain Arcolier called for evasive action a split second too late. The false hull was abnormally massive, as it was designed to serve this exact purpose. On the one hand it slowed down the trojanned destroyer, making it maneuver like a pregnant guppy. On the other hand after it was jettisoned it might work in precisely this case - a secret projectile aimed at the brash pirate who dared lock it with a tractor beam. The energy dumped into the hull by the Revenge's own tractor beams now propelled the masking shell towards the pirate ship. Jaimie's intuitive leap meant the modern-day cestus struck a glancing hit instead of the the crippling strike the Cantrellan engineers envisioned but it was still a mighty blow. The hull of the Beauteous Revenge rang like a bell as the heavy mass struck aft. The Revenge spun erratically as the delta-vee was imparted, and Captain Arcolier reflexively gripped her armrests as the bridge wobbled erratically.

     "One-Eye! That ship is a trojan. I'd expect Imperial Forces to greet you soon. We'll be there as soon as we can, but I'm afraid you'll be on your own for a bit. Acknowledge!" Captain Arcolier knew this fight wasn't over, and the best ratings came from tight battles. She wasn't licked yet, not by a long shot, and her communique was cool and collected. Her stomach told the lie here, as acid boiled away and etched into her awareness. Luckily nobody had managed to develop true nerve system recordings yet, so as long as her face remained impassive her fans would never know what burned inside her gut.

     The display from Assault Pod One flashed brighter as One-Eye spoke, raising an eyebrow sardonically at his Captain. "Oh a trojan? Y'think? I'll alert the Marines. We'll need the calvary soonish. Bring it, would you? Thanks!" Through his entire spiel his hands never stopped flying over the control boards, trying every trick in the book and a few that had never been written down. If anyone could break the tractor beam, One-Eye would bring it home. Even in these dire straits he never stopped playing to the cameras. Jaimie smiled inwardly, even as her stomach roiled from the sacrifice her crew was making. One-Eye was a trouper, in all senses of the word and she knew the First Marines would play along. How could their Captain do anything less? The show must go on and she'd be damned if some crazy Cantrellan plot would bring the Revenge low.

     "Damage Report. Status?" Captain Arcolier rapped out in her famous ice-cold tones. Fanboys in dozens of systems would eat this up. All she had to do was make this out alive.

     Stinky Pete chuckled quietly to himself. One day he'd see the jam that would crack Cap'n Arcolier's cold reserve, but this? This was a walk in the park! Who did the Cantrellans think they were dealing with? "Engineering reports no significant damage. Electro-shielding absorbed most of the impact, and ablative shielding took the rest. Oh, Tammy says that ablative is down five percent. Shall I order some more padding?"

     Jaimie smiled wryly to herself, despite the dire situation. Stinky Pete was almost too much of a ham to bear. If he wasn't such a genius at his board she'd have to scold him. But he was a genius and enough talent excused any amount of showboating. And besides, Stinky Pete always tested in the top five 'Q' ratings for her bridge crew. He'd never be his own captain, but a sizable crowd followed his exploits. And truthfully, in her secret heart of hearts there was a tiny little voice of doubt that Pete always reassured.

     "Alright my pretties, I think the Cantrellans have shown their claws. Maybe we should show ours. Close and engage. I want to see One-Eye and the First Marines come home safe. Oh, and whoever is controlling that? I'd like to see him in our brig. Make that happen would you?" Jaimie made a show of stretching luxuriously in her padded chair as she highlighted the revealed destroyer with her pointer. Oh that stretch! Jaimie smiled inwardly, knowing that she just provided all sorts of mental fodder to underaged youth in all of the central systems. Her hair could go take a flying flattish leap - she was on fire today, and this recording would smoke up the sales charts! Assuming One-Eye made it back she would easily gross enough to cover any repairs and refueling.

     The pilot was just a young whelp of an ensign, freshly recruited, and he stuttered out his call for full thrust. Tammy in engineering flickered into view in a corner of the viewscreen as the Revenge leapt forward. "Full thrust? William? You sure you can handle what I can put out?" Tammy chuckled throatily as the young pilot blushed crimson. Tammy locked eyes with Jaimie and arched an eyebrow. "Seriously Cap'n. How do you find them so young and innocent? You know I love it!"

     Jaimie threw her head back in a full-throated guffaw. "Down girl! I promised his Ma we wouldn't hurt him. Get us into grapple in the next minute and I promise you an extra week of shore leave. Hell, I'll go with you. Haven won't know what hit them, but we'll have a full squad of new marines when we launch. That's a Captain's Promise there lassie!"

     Tammy tugged a raven forelock in a mock salute. "Aye, aye Cap'n! It's a date!" her screen faded out as William swallowed ineffectually and continued to guide the Revenge into Electro-Grapple range. Jaimie returned her attention to the tactical display as the icon representing the Revenge leapt forward. The destroyer wasn't likely to escape but it was doubtful that was the Cantrellan goal anyway. One-Eye and the First Marines would take the brunt of the fighting that was about to break out. It looked like all his evasion was for naught and the Cantrellans would be burning through the hatch within a minute. The Revenge wouldn't even be in range for the Electro-Grapple for another three at best. It was probably a good ten minutes before she could bring additional forces into the melee.

     A clang rang in Assault Pod One as the Cantrellans clamped firm. One-Eye threw up his hands in disgust and powered down the piloting board. "Sergeant Riker! Looks like we earn our booty today. Prepare for hostiles!" One-Eye unclasped his crash webbing and leapt up from his seat. Fast as he was, he marveled at the speed of the Marines who were already lined up and warily scanning the hatch. A thin acetylene blade of fire jetted through the hole, hissing as the unseen welder began to carve an impromptu entrance.
(Tune in next week to see if Captain Arcolier can rescue One-Eye and the first Marines before the Cantrellans overwhelm Assault Pod One.)
(See the next installment!)
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